It's official. I'm not a very good blogger. My current blog rate is less than once a month and I'm not even very busy. Pathetic, right?
But, at long last, I have something I want to talk about.
I've been in Los Angeles for about three months now and I would say I've done a decent job of accomplishing things.
I'm semi-employed.
I did a Greek play as a bunch of different characters.
(i.e. pregnant hippie, slightly insane low-income woman with untamed hair, punk rocker, etc.)
I took an improv class.
I've discovered yoga.
I've mastered the art of faux to-do lists.
I sit at hip coffee shops whilst pretending there is some serious business on my laptop screen.
(just working on my acting, right?)
I have at least 2 social engagements a week.
(This is REALLY good for me)
I guess decent just about sums it up for the time being.
Naturally, these past three months have led to some intensive self-assessment.
A few conclusions:
I can't sit still for very long. But I can sleep whenever and with absolutely no time limit.
I am a true connoisseur of Ben & Jerry's. But no amount of it competes with actual human contact and camaraderie.
I'm a true advocate for killin' with kindness. But if put in a more tenacious environment (ex. Los Angeles), I will rise to the standards by honking my horn or cursing those who allow their dog to poo on the sidewalk.
In this city, one must plan ahead at all times. But when I don't, I simply use it as an excuse not to go out into civilization. Alternative--cooking and watching Master of None while doing like maybe 10 push-ups between episodes to give myself the illusion of productivity.
I branch out and go in for Film/TV auditions. But then I read the script, turn up my nose, and then realize "Oh, so this is what an agentless theatre actress can land."
Some of these pieces of the personality pie are old friends, while others are new and unfamiliar. You may notice a pattern, however.
Total contradiction.
For every positive trait, there's a lazy or confused one to counteract it.
When will the inconsistency end?!
If there's one tried-and-true personality trait that I will never shake it is my undying ability to be ruthlessly hard on myself. Like all preceding dichotomies, I'm realizing that this trait is SO ruthless that it actually cancels itself out by existing in the form of inaction. I set such high expectations that I become an idealist rather than taking actual action.
I talk a big talk and then return to the comforts of what is familiar.
Supportive people like my mom say it's human nature. "Quit being so hard on yourself." But who will ever push me if I can't push myself?
And so we arrive at the moral of this seemingly self-centered post:
(well, there are a couple)
1. Force thoughts to become action, no matter the level of uncomfortability
2. Know that action comes in all different shapes and sizes. In other words, don't discredit the little victories.
There is such a trend right now of twenty-something angst. Thought Catalog or Elite Daily article after article about how confusing our twenties are. I even read a book called F*CK! I'm In My Twenties (a fun read, I must admit). I totally see how the trend is painting us as a generation that's a bit spoiled. But in my slightly biased opinion, I think it's really neat that we are living in an era in which taboo feelings are not only addressed, but used to fuel community. Everyone struggles. Everyone wonders what the hell they're doing. Everyone longs to be a child again at some point. Everyone feels this weird limbo between past and future. And the biggest reason for this confusion? The opportunities afforded to this generation are so ENDLESS that we are TERRIFIED. (At least I am.)
So the current message I'm sending to myself as yet another year of transition and self-discovery comes to a close is to quit idealizing the results of these opportunities and start acting on those ideas. Maybe you feel like taking the same vow or maybe you're a much less lazy human being than I am. Either way, I encourage our Millennial Generation to be properly hard on ourselves and give those inner dichotomies a run for their money. There is nothing to lose.
If you made it this far, I thank you for indulging me in this idealistic post.
xoxo,
RMD